I was doing rounds on Instagram and in a moment of weakness, I thrust myself in the mercies of the past. They say our pasts hold lessons, vital lessons that have the potential to shape the future. They say a lot of things. I surrendered to the thought of regret, self-pity and what if’s. Maybe I did not fight hard enough for her. Maybe I should have listened more. Maybe I should have walked more instead of running. Maybe I should have paused my life and look at her blessedness. What if letting her go is the greatest mistake of my life? I wondered. As I looked at her glow, her aura beamed back at me and I remember thinking, ‘change is indeed inevitable (not Thanos, he died. They killed him twice. They did him the first time and were not satisfied, so they time traveled and killed him again.)’
Letting go is difficult especially when it’s a position of comfort we have to let go. Others say it’s breaking forth from what’s holding you down. Others insist on it being a climb towards the light. Much like a seedling bursting through the cotyledon and piercing the soil on its way up. Growth is letting go of your fears. It’s stumbling down, bleeding a little, crying some more but eventually getting up again. Like a toddler learning to walk falls down a couple of times but that doesn’t stop them from trying over and over to a point where they can’t fall anymore. The good news is, it is up to you. Growth is optional.
A lot has happened in the last 10 months from today. Some pretty drastic changes that landed me straight to a hospital bed. When the doctor said “the worst is over” I knew shit had just begun. When she said I shouldn’t eat red meat any more, I was pissed. The unsounded rule is to never mess with a man’s food, especially nyam chom. Change is scary. To remain alive I have to adjust. I have to compromise. I have to embrace these changes.
Frank was due for a promotion and everyone knew it was him to be crowned boss. Everyone in the office was playing nice aiming for his favor once he got the corner office. Frank himself was trying so hard to hide his boastful ass. You could smell it in his eyes. It came as a surprise to everyone when Susan got the corner office instead. Questioned were raised, eyebrows not left out. Rumors circulated. Accusations were made. Stands were arrived at. With some men, good men saying ‘a woman can’t lead us’ no one was willing to embrace the change. Some, like Frank, drafted their resignation letters and mailed them. Change is a bitch.
Perhaps I should let her go. Perhaps she is happy without me. She is glowing and becoming. Perhaps I need to grow as well. Learn from my past. Allow myself to disappear into the oblivion of the unknown. Perhaps I should text her and offer friendship. Perhaps I should dedicate more time to this blog. Take care of it as a good father would.
Change is good. Eventually. It doesn’t mean changing is fun, but you’ll get there. You have to change to grow. Change is coming.